


Shane's Pasty White Ass

by BeaRyan



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Ryan wants every bit of footage to be authentic, Shane knows what you're saying online, and it amuses him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeaRyan/pseuds/BeaRyan
Summary: Sometimes Ryan knows there are no ghosts on the premises, but they still have to get the footage put out an episode.  For Shane every day as a ghoulboy is pretty much the same: go somewhere that's not haunted and make sure Ryan is entertainingly miserable on film.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	Shane's Pasty White Ass

Ryan rubs his eyes and wonders how much he’s damaged his karma in the last six seasons to wind up in the suburbs of Cleveland at 4AM surrounded by beige. Ghost hunting used to be exciting. Now it was just obedience to his corporate overlords in exchange for his rent money. The trips had been nice for a while, or if not nice he’d at least been awake with some down time in between the flight in and the flight out. Now, as he stares at beige walls and beige carpet and flopped onto the beige couch of a beige house, it seems pretty clear he’s fucked up somewhere. 

The episode’s director, a new hire named Kevin with no idea what the hell he’s doing, clears his throat. “Um, Ryan, the homeowner asked us not to sit on the furniture.” 

Shane counters, “Yeah, well, I asked for a location that was a least spooky looking. This is pathetic.” 

He’s right. This is going to be another Loey Lane. 

“The framed family portrait is a little creepy,” Kevin offers. 

The framed family portrait is more shades of beige. 

Shane sits down next to Ryan and stretches like a bored praying mantis while the cameras film them. “Do we have enough for you to cut this into an episode?”

Kevin, annoyingly eager to do a good job but clueless about how to do it, pipes up, “No. I don’t think we do. Ryan needs to freak out. Go down to the basement and throw a fit.” 

Shane turns his head slowly towards Kevin without moving his body. His voice is deeper than it usually is as he intones, “No.” It’s the spookiest thing that’s happened all night. With a blink he’s back to normal. “So Ryan, what’s your opinion on this house?”

The house is only slightly more boring than the footage they’ve shot. They’re fucked and Shane knows it. With dawn coming soon they’re exhausted, well past the point of spontaneous antics, the spirit box got nothing, and they already tried to stretch the dead flashlight batteries into a segment. He’s going to have to do a lot of cutting between shots in the house and studio footage to make this into anything. Ryan says, “You never think there are ghosts, so if you go nuts in this house it’s not inauthentic. I think you should antagonize the spirit. Really go for it. Impress me and I’ll buy your Chipotle for lunch tomorrow.” 

“I do love a burrito.” 

Ryan smiles. “I know you do.” 

“Guac?”

“Of course guac. What kind of friend do you think I am?” 

Shane lays a hand on his shoulder. “You have always been my true friend. Like Kirk and Spock.” 

Damn Shane. That was for the internet. Why do people write stories about them fucking and more importantly why are those stories all so kinky? “Alright, friend, taunt the ghost. Ask it to give you a hickey or something.” 

“Can I summon a demon?” 

“There’s no demon here.”

“Because demons aren’t real.” 

“Give me usable footage or buy your own burrito.” 

Shane smirks and Ryan knows he’s going to hate whatever he says next. Shane doesn’t disappoint the internet. “Daddy’s feeling a little demanding, aren’t you?” 

“Fuck you.” 

“Really, Ryan, I’m trying to summon a demon right now and you have to go and say something that distracting.” 

Ryan knows he’s going to leave this footage in the episode. It’s good filler for an incredibly weak hunt. That doesn’t mean he’s not unnerved to know what people will think. Under his breath he mutters, “Asshole.” 

Shane winks. “Just giving you what you need.” 

“Summon your demon.” Ryan takes a breath and then before Shane can further feed the internet he tacks on, “Please.” 

“For you. My friend.” Shane leverages himself off the couch and swings his arms, whether loosening up or warming up Ryan can’t say, but he can tell that Shane’s going to deliver. Bless that weirdo, he’s going to set this dumpster of an episode on fire. Good man. 

Shane is always genuine, but he’s media savvy too, and he picks his words and inflection for maximum impact. “De-mons. Come here de-mons. I, Shane Madej, summon you. Come get me. Possess my body. Take me.” 

Shane pauses then turns and holds his thoughtful yet arrogant pose while the camera moves to a new position. As random as the end product seems, they’re good at getting footage by now. 

When Shane gets the nod from the cameraman he speaks again. “If there are any demons, ghosts, ghouls, specters, poltergeists or other haunting type beings here, reach out and touch me. Give me a poke. I’ll wait.” 

He holds in place then makes a face. “I’m not feeling it. If you're here make me feel it. Smack my ass. Smack it. Give me a big ol’ slap on my pasty white ass.”

Fighting down a giggle Ryan says, “Your pasty white ass? Could you make it sound any less appealing?” 

Shane bobs his eyebrows. “Or if my pasty white ass is unappealing, give Ryan a pat on his little brown buns.” 

“They aren’t that brown. No sunlight.” Ryan rolls his eyes.

“You should tan your buns.” 

On a better night Ryan would bounce off that line and they’d get footage. Tonight he’s just tired. 

Shane orders, “Stand beside me, stick your butt out and wiggle it.” 

“Why?” 

“Because we are professional ghost hunters and this is what the scientific method demands of us. Respect the specters and pop that booty.” 

Two truths guide Ryan’s body: sometimes you just have to trust your partner, and sometimes this job is weird. Ryan lines up next to Shane and sticks out his butt. The cameras move around them, trying to get as many angles as possible without getting each other in the shot. 

Shane looks to Kevin for the nod but it never comes. Matt the camera guy gives the cue. Shane starts the next segment of his monologue. “Your choice ghosts. We’ve got a butt buffet for you. Do you like high, white and flat? Smack my butt. You like it tight and lightly toasted? That’s Ryan’s ass. Give it a smack. Wallop that rump. Spank him like the naughty boy he is.” 

“Jesus, Shane. Really?” 

Shane starts gyrating and singing. “Shane’s got a big ol’ butt, oh yeah.” He looks at Ryan and grins. “Dance, ghoulboy.” Singing again, “Ryan’s got a big ol’ butt, oh yeah.” 

Ryan joins in the dancing. Fuck it, they can get a couple minutes of footage out of this. Fill in the episode with some studio chat and it will work. With any luck the static cams will have something. Praying for orbs is a new personal low. 

Shane stops singing and straightens up. “Have I earned my burrito?”

“”You have.” Ryan stands up and sighs. “With guac. Extra guac if you want it.” 

“Let’s not go crazy, Ryan. It was just a little butt stuff.” Shane smirks as he says it. He knows exactly what he’s done. 

“What ridiculous hashtag are you going to want for this episode?” Ryan is already picturing the graphic and plotting how to avoid seeing it on Twitter. “#A little butt stuff?”

“I don’t think I’d enjoy all that I’d see if we tried to claim that tag,” Shane answers. “No, I think a tribute to my butt—”

“Your pasty white ass?” 

“My luminous rump.”

“You’re counting on Twitter users to be able to spell ‘luminous’?”

“You win, Bergara. Hashtag my pasty white ass.” 

“Why does that sound dirty?” 

“My pasty white ass is quite clean. Spectacular, really. You should see it.”

After so many years together Ryan knows a trap when Shane kicks it in front of him. “Alright everyone, that’s a wrap. Thank you for your hard work. Let’s pack it up.” 

Kevin protests, “I’m the director. That’s my job.” 

Shane cocks his head but doesn’t directly challenge Kevin. Ryan’s been on the wrong end of that look before, and it’s intimidating. Shane swears all he’s doing is standing up straight and waiting for orders. 

Kevin calls out, “That’s wrap. Take your pasty white asses home.” 

Shane asks, “What about Ryan’s toasty buns?” 

“Those are free to go, too.” 

Shane smiles. “Endzone equality.” 

With that, he leaves. Ryan follows.


End file.
